I saw a picture of that girl today. I saw her smile and I knew it wasn’t real. When I looked at the picture, I remembered all the times the girl cried. I remember how many times she fell and wouldn’t get back up. She would fall and stay there and wallow in her own self-pity. She would make excuses as to why she had to stay down. Why get up when she would just fall back down? Why get up when there was no one to lend a hand? Why get up if no one had even noticed she fell in the first place? Why get up if she wanted to stay down? That girl that suffered at the hands of men she was supposed to trust. That girl who was used by friends that claimed they cared. That girl that hurt herself because it was the only control she had over herself anymore. That girl was weak. She didn’t have confidence in herself or what she would be able to accomplish. She tried hard to make something of herself and for a while she did just that. All it took was one person to push her back to the place she tried so hard to escape from. She slowly lost control of herself again and stopped standing up for herself. She listened to the lies that she was told by people she wanted so desperately to love her. That girl that was becoming a woman was slowly beaten down by words of those who claimed to love her. That girl couldn’t fight the thoughts that started to creep back into her mind. Was she worthless? Was she weak? Would she never amount to anything? That girl lost a part of herself when she should have been on top of the world. She had children who loved her and needed her. That girl had a family that would always be there for her. That girl had goals she once upon a time wanted to achieve. That girl had to end up in the darkest place in order to realize what it was she really needed.
She needed to see that there was someone that loved her more than their own life. There was one person that was always cheering for her and encouraging her to get up each time she fell. There was one person that always listened to her each time she broke down and cried.
The day she decided to commit to a relationship with that person is the day things changed. The day she chose to let God in is the day she found her worth. It took years but she finally saw how worthy and how loved she truly was. The process was slow but each time she began to doubt herself God whispered in her ear “you’ve got this”. Each day her confidence began to strengthen, and she started creating goals for herself again. Each prayer that was answered reminded her that He listened each time she spoke.
The change she saw in herself made her smile at how far she’d come. She knew she didn’t want to ever go back to who she was. She had confidence in herself again and she loved the woman she was becoming. She admired how she was able to now talk about her past without crying. It didn’t matter how many times people tried to bring her down anymore. She loved herself enough to know that she didn’t need anyone’s approval of her or her actions. That girl knows that no matter what happens in her life, it’s all a part of God’s plan. And God’s plan is better than any plan she can make for herself.
That girl in the picture was unhappy. That girl was troubled. That girl was lost. That girl was broken.
I was that girl and I’ll never be her again.